Listening to: Julian "Cannonball" Adderly, Somethin' Else
The waiting is killing me. What began as a tease and some minor flirtation has become obsessive anticipation. My mind and heart are occupied by possibility; what will be soon but won't be soon enough. Yearning, aching, I can't reconcile the intensity of this desire with how soon it's been since my thoughts first turned towards this. I look out the frosted window, my finger aimlessly tracing the shape of an eye in the thin layer of ice, thinking, "My God, I can't stop thinking about her!"
As soon as I think she's here, it's painfully evident that she's still far, far away. The distance is unbearable. Some days she feels closer, almost tangible, and on those days she's everywhere I look. Finally, I think, finally, this is all real and settled and my happiness is assured, she's here and my life is complete. Then there are days like today when she's obviously a world away, untouchable, unreachable.
Shaking the dellusion from my eyes, I attempted to accept fate, even though my fantasies are more fulfilling. All I can do is wait and that is insufficient. Patience is not among my tiny contingent of virtues.
Spring, where are you?