Friday, January 14, 2005

Looking Up From the Bottom

Listening to: Scissor Sisters, Scissor Sisters

X took my little loves late yesterday leaving me with the entire day to sit at home and watch Judge Judy.

Just kidding. Actually I had four interviews today, none of which had anything to do with my bailiwick but what the hell, I have to do something. So, I put on my off-the-rack suit and cheap out-of-style tie and went hat-in-hand to grovel for income. What a life.

One of the interviews was for a Human Resources position with a major corporation. My Psych degree qualified me to test the company's prospective employees (to make sure no one would go postal, I guess) and my Philosophy degree qualified me to know I was too qualified for the job.

The process was a hoot. At first, I was run through a battery of tests. Damned Psych degree, I knew what the exams were about - they wanted to know if I was going to do something insane on the premises like organize a union or demand to be treated with dignity - and I knew just what to say. Another half hour of sitting in a waiting room painted institutional green (likewise, I knew what THAT was all about), scanning the "Salon Guide to Modern Literature", something to read, I've dealt with too many big corporations, enough to know their vetting is an all-afternoon ordeal.

Finally called into "The Big Room With The Big Desk" to talk to the little person with The Big Title. I wasn't nervous; I was hungry, literally hungry, if the guy had a sandwich on his desk I'd have snatched it from him and devoured it, right there. No such luck. All he had on his desk was my file, some pictures of his family (it was difficult to imagine that he was capable of breeding), and one of those crappy fish bowls with a plant sticking out of the top.

The interview was a slam-dunk. However, I won't tell you what was said. I'll tell you what I wanted to say.

Drone (D): What do you know about our company?

Me (M): Well, I know your CEO makes $18 Million a year. I also happen to know this company lost almost $150 Million last year for which your CEO took a $500 Thousand bonus. So you have an overpaid shithead running your company who awards himself a half million dollars for losing money. What's not to like? If I raid the goddamn soda machine for quarters, I'll get a promotion.

D: I see you're the primary custodian of your children. What do you intend to do with them while you're at work?

--- STOP --- Is this a question a woman would be asked? Anyway....

M: I figured I'd have your CEO pony up with his bogus bonus since you shitheads don't offer childcare.

D: Why are you the primary custodian?

M: Why do you think it's any of your fucking business? Considering you probably make over a Hundred Grand a year, why do you have such a crappy haircut?

D: I see you've been out of work for a year; why is that?

M: Well, I was hoping a second Bush term would mean I'd be unemployed indefintely; considering Bush has done about as good with the US economy as your fuckwit CEO has done with this company, you might want to consider unemployment as your next status in life.

D: What makes you believe you're qualified for this job?

M: Obviously, judging by whom I'm talking to, any idiot can do this shit.

D: What would you bring with you to this position?

M: A brain. Brains can be useful things. It might be a radical addition to this organization but I assure you, a couple of thoughts here and there and this company might actually see a profit.

D: What future do you see with out company?

M: As long as your CEO continues to lose $150 Million a year, not much. However, if you give me his yearly bonus, I'll change his diaper.

...and so forth. If I wasn't so desperate for a Jay Oh Be I would have punched that idiot in the Solar Plexus and pissed on his desk. As it was, I shook his hand (and wiped my hand off after I left his office...), walked to the parking lot and looked for a spent cigarette butt to smoke. Eff You See Kay I En Gee hell. Life shouldn't be like this. It's a damn Kafka short story.

9 comments:

pinkme said...

Gee, sounds like a great day! By the way, I have been asked the same question in regards to what I would do with my children while I was at work. I just told them "My oldest is 7 now and he is potty trained, so if I leave poptarts and juice on the counter he should be able to take care of his brother just fine." Jokes aside, I was told by one "would be" employer that they didn't like to hire single mothers (parents) because they miss to much work. I am not sure if that is legal, sounds like discrimination. I'd just give them a "big ole bare booty shot" and keep looking. I wish you all the best. Don't settle, there is something out there for you.

JenL said...

Oh man, nothing inflates my righteous indignation more than idiots who assume single parents are going to be less productive workers due to their family responsibilities. Unless you count the mo-fo's who believe because you are a SP, you'll be so desperate to keep your sole source of income that you'd lick their shoes to keep the bossmen happy...with your PhD pedigreed tongue, no less.

Grrr.

Hank said...

I've been at my current job for year. A couple weeks ago a headhunter called me about a job. I sent her my resume, had a phone interview with the hiring manager and was asked to come over for an onsite interview. In my line of work job interviews involve talking to the prospective manager, the manager's underlings and the leaders of the groups my work would be supporting. Throughout the day I kept having it pointed out that I'd only been at my current job for year. "Why are you looking for another job so soon?" I kept having to come up with variations on "I'm not looking. You came looking for me. Duh."

Anonymous said...

*looks for something supportive and uplifting to say*

How about, it can only get better from here...?

Heather

Anonymous said...

LOL - If only we could truly say things like that on interviews. Do you think you would get bonus points for having some Chutzpah?

Are the laws not the same everywhere? Here it is illegal to ask personal questions such as why are you a single parent and what the hell do you do with the kidlets all day?

~LLG

cindy said...

if only you could say what you really wanted to and still get the job. but then, would you really want the job at that point? i love Scissor Sisters btw. my fav song is #6 ;)

Glitzy said...

The question about your kids was totally INAPPROPRIATE and illegal....and it was for an HR POSITION? Jesus.

Check out this link You might want to forward it to your interviewer if you get a Thanks, but no thanks response.

The Zero Boss said...

I second Glitzy. Did he really ask that? It's part of basic employee interview training that you NEVER ask a question along those lines - it has "lawsuit" written all over it.

If they tell you that you didn't get the job, I'd ask the HR person point-blank: "The person who interviewed me asked what I planned to do with my kids while I was at work. Did you decide not to give me the job based on my response to that question?" Predicted response: a sharp intake of breath, three seconds of stunned silence, and a minute-long answer that tapdances around the actual question.

Do it, man. Strike a blow for single dads everywhere. Then find an attorney who will eat their CEO's $150M bonus for dinner.

Anonymous said...

Welcome to Sexism 101 !!

(yes I am taking a gender course this term)

Good Luck
Candace