Listening to: X, Los Angeles
I don't see my first client until three this afternoon (followed by an Anger Management group and a DUI group), so I stayed up a bit late last night with the intention of sleeping in.
At about seven this morning, I woke with a start, frightened, confused - no little voices! There was a moment of utter terror when I instantaneously considered every horrific scenario, every hideous possibility and then - *whew!*, they're with their mom. My pounding heart decelerated, my fight-or-flight rush switched off, and I slipped back into my pillow, a sigh of relief as I fell back into a serene and blissful slumber.
Waking up just past ten, ah, make myself a mess of bacon and eggs, a pot of dark roast coffee, listening to the classical station (no Dora or Blue's Clues today!) and surfing my left-leaning news sites while I ate my cholesterol-heavy fare, feeling very alien, very alone - very serene, strangely.
Since X has repaired herself and taken steps to being a responsible, sane mom, I feel at ease with her care and slightly relieved we're back on a 50/50 custody arrangement. Sure, I miss the days when I was a full-time dad full time (meaning, every damn day) or when it was a week-day/week-end arrangement. I confess I don't miss not having much "daddy down time" and I'm enjoying the days to myself. Despite the bittersweet dilemma of missing the wee ones vs. my desire for solitude, I know this arrangement is what's best for the kids. They need their mom. And I need time to be me.