Thursday, May 12, 2005

Waking Up to Disconcerting Silence

Listening to: X, Los Angeles

I don't see my first client until three this afternoon (followed by an Anger Management group and a DUI group), so I stayed up a bit late last night with the intention of sleeping in.

At about seven this morning, I woke with a start, frightened, confused - no little voices! There was a moment of utter terror when I instantaneously considered every horrific scenario, every hideous possibility and then - *whew!*, they're with their mom. My pounding heart decelerated, my fight-or-flight rush switched off, and I slipped back into my pillow, a sigh of relief as I fell back into a serene and blissful slumber.

Waking up just past ten, ah, make myself a mess of bacon and eggs, a pot of dark roast coffee, listening to the classical station (no Dora or Blue's Clues today!) and surfing my left-leaning news sites while I ate my cholesterol-heavy fare, feeling very alien, very alone - very serene, strangely.

Since X has repaired herself and taken steps to being a responsible, sane mom, I feel at ease with her care and slightly relieved we're back on a 50/50 custody arrangement. Sure, I miss the days when I was a full-time dad full time (meaning, every damn day) or when it was a week-day/week-end arrangement. I confess I don't miss not having much "daddy down time" and I'm enjoying the days to myself. Despite the bittersweet dilemma of missing the wee ones vs. my desire for solitude, I know this arrangement is what's best for the kids. They need their mom. And I need time to be me.

11 comments:

Natsthename said...

Define "mess" of bacon.

Karen said...

Ohhh, bacon, eggs... yum! Sounds like a great morning! Yes, you do deserve your time!

Hope you had a great rest of your day! *hugs*

Nino the Mindboggler said...

:-D I'll take *hugs*!!!

"Mess" of bacon - hmmmmmm... six strips, well done, grease poured into an empty wine bottle, stove wiped down with one of those Clorox wipes... so "mess" is relative.

lu said...

Sweetie, enjoy that alone time while you can...your days are most definitely numbered. *wink*

But, yes, it is heavenly. I cherish my four kidlet free days out of the month like no other. I can think of only one wonderfully delicious reason I would be wholeheartedly willing to surrender them.

seeingdouble said...

I can understand that feeling. If my ex wasn't such a total schmuck, and I felt the kids were safe in his care for a few hours, I'd enjoy the down time too. When he was taking visits once in a while it was nice to get an occasional weekend to myself, where the hubs and I could relax kid-free. Ah well, can anyone recommend a good babysitter in Kansas? ;)

vicki said...

Oh, how I love a mess o' bacon. That's an EVIL GOOD food. I missed my kids whenever they were with their dad and for a while that made it hard for me to relax and enjoy the alone time. Which I desperately needed to catch up on, yes, client billing (ARGGHHH!), housecleaning and recovering my equilibrium.
Eventually, as they got older and because he stayed in the same school area they set their own routines depending on where they were at developmentally. They were usually here when sick or hurting, ALWAYS there when wanting to get away with some nonsense like skipping school. etc. But even now, when they are mostly out on their own, I miss them. I like your posts- and sometimes your taste in music is exceptional- yes to Kate Bush.

Charone said...

Hehe, I can't imagine my parents ever having a second though about getting rid of me for a week or two.

melina said...

we like the same breakfasts as you know b/c i post about them frequently on the weekends. bacon. eggs. toast. coffee. juice. other carbohydrate: cinnamon rolls, pancakes, hash browns or waffles, pick one.

i know that feeling when you wake up. it's at once disconcerting and blissful. i had all three last sunday for mother's day, which was one of the best ever. my first mother's day was #1, followed by the one this year.

i am kid-free from 6 tonight until sometime sunday...babydoll and i have to see talby (our kitten) on sunday. wish i had something whiz-bang to look foward to, but that's okay.

melina said...

i saw "x" back in 1983 at montezuma hall at san diego state.

strange coincidence: ex-hub was at the same concert, but we didn't even know each other until 1986 but i remember him b/c he was the tallest guy there (6', 5"). very weird.

my fave "x" song is "white girl".

Nino the Mindboggler said...

Weird, huh? I saw X on that same tour, in DC. Some really aggressive slam-dancer (pre-"mosh" days) in the pit got a shoulder full of me so that his spiked wrist bands slapped soundly into his girl friend's face - not one of my proudest moments but hey, they got tossed out of the show.

TrueJerseyGirl said...

It sounds like you have the best of both worlds, now that you trust the X...down time and kiddie time. As a stay at home mom, trust me, I'd love more down time! But I do love the kiddie time...