Saturday, September 18, 2004

Daddy's Home

Saturday: I was going to head up to Denver for a date but my heart wasn't into it.

The dearth of updates here has something (indeed, more than just something) to do with that lack of heart. Oh, no lack of heart for my children, that grows more intense every day. When I first started writing this, my intention was to express the ups-and-downs of being a full-time single dad but somehow the blog became ALL ABOUT THE KIDS. Well, really, being a good dad makes it all about the kids, anyway. Or most days.

The danger of making it all about the kids is that Daddy can get lost, lose who he is, the inmates start running the asylum (in an all-too-real sense of the word) and nobody comes out ahead. So the trip to Denver was to be a little about Daddy having a little fun, something that had become a weekly trek since late May. A wonderful woman, intelligent (an academic), sexy, fun... but no interest in a long-term relationship and absolutely no interest in my children.

Trying not to be too self-conscious about the relationship arrangement, to not take myself too seriously, nonetheless I felt like things were one-sided. In that whole time she had not once made the trip from Denver to Manitou Springs. Never even offered. I don't know what any of you would conclude from that but after three months or so, I had to think that she wasn't so much interested in me as what I was doing for her.

Look, I'm in no rush to find a partner and I'm certainly not going to bring someone around my children who has no interest in them. As a matter of fact, I've maintained a strict policy regarding dating, that unless I'm pretty sure the woman I'm seeing is going to be around for awhile, she won't meet my kids. Common sense, I think, and sound policy not subjecting my children to the confusion of adults moving in and out of their lives.

Having made the sacrifice (agreeing to not involve this woman in my children's life, making the drive to Denver to stay with her), I can't say I regret the experience. To her credit, she was clear about what she did NOT want in a relationship, she was up front and honest about not wanting a heavy-duty relationship and I was good with that - for awhile. I suppose I would have continued (frankly, the sex was out of this world) had she been willing to travel to me but even so, I would have eventually wanted something MORE. Not necessarilly from her but in general, my life would turn to the point that I think I'll eventually want a long-term relationship, a partner... and a step-mother for my children.

Needless to say, the trips to Denver (and the wacky political situation, the election, all followed on my other blogs) have taken me away from this. But I'm back, Daddy's home.

You can expect more posts here and a change; I'm going to start entering stuff I've written in the journals I've kept for my children as well as entries composed as the spirit moves me.

A friend of mine has joined the blogosphere... check him out!