Saturday, July 15, 2006

Usually, 'anonymous' means 'dumbass'

About a year ago I decided to go with moderated comments, mostly to eliminate spam ("Great blog you have here! You might want to check out this link on refinancing your home!") but also to put the kibosh on a stalker who, apparently lacking a satisfying life and in dire need of a hobby, felt inclined to post incredibly incoherent messages meant to entertain none but the voices in her head. Suffice it to say, the moderated comments worked. The spam stopped immediately and the stalker found something else to do (probably learned how to fold that aluminum foil cap into a stately swan). Since then, most of my moderating has involved deleting redundant comments from the same poster; I've deleted only one comment and that was so astonishingly stupid I imagined the poster sitting on a porch somewhere in the far reaches of Appalachia, typing drool when not strummin' on the ol' banjo.

Thus, when I checked my email tonight to find this comment for my last post, my first thought was to send it off into oblivion and give it the fate it deserved. However, the more I read (and considered), the more I realized that a vicious beating was in order. The comment in question:
If its not your country ...than move. Sad story, tis true but dont blame the whole fucking country. I didnt do it.

By Anonymous, at 5:26 PM

First of all A, let's deal with matters of simple grammar, sweep that issue aside before we graduate to more serious skull thumping. A, it's "If... then" not "than". If you'd said, "You should leave rather than stay," then your statement might have made sense (doubtful, as you will see). However A, your inability to master simple punctuation tells me the then/than distinction is beyond your comprehension.

My guess is that the reading comprehension portion of your SATs came up with a big zero, A, since the concept of "This is not my country," amounted to nothing more than a loud whooshing sound as it whizzed several feet over your head. "This is not my country," was not a declaration qualified with "Because my country is Buzov" or "France" but this is not my country because what happened in Delaware betrays the promise that our country holds. The pointy headed religious bigots who drove a Jewish family to exile through threats and intimidation (going as far as publishing the family's address and phone number on the Stop the ACLU web site so every pointy headed religious bigot in the country could harass them) are the dark, ugly underbelly of our country, shameful examples of the worst of America. Having said that, it should be obvious that I didn't "blame the whole fucking country" but only a few knuckle-dragging buffoons. The rest of my readers got that so it's not as though I was being obtuse or vague. No, the misunderstanding is all you, A, not just being an idiot but being the kind of idiot that other idiots can only aspire to by huffing gallons of gasoline, headbutting the grill of a Ford F-350, and drinking Clorox.

As to your argument A, the whole "If its (sic) not your country ...than (sic) move," is so 1968, not only stale and uninteresting (though I consider the source) but also utter nonsense. It's the same as me saying, "Sweet mother of God, this house stinks," with you responding, "Well, why don't you move?" Except you wouldn't use punctuation or bother with grammar. The point is, a useful response would be, "Then (not "than") take out the trash, do your dishes, open the windows, spray some Febreze around, and get rid of that damn dog!" Unfortunately, I suspect you're not big on complexity A and that you'll be moving soon enough once the kitty that crawled into the dryer starts to get ripe.

A final word for you A, advice from someone who has been blogging for about 4 years and has been on the internet for almost 20 years: 'anonymous' commenting not only identifies you as a troll - a cowardly troll - but gives you exactly zero credibility. No one takes you seriously, no one respects what you have to say, and you've only accomplished making yourself look like an incompetent boob.

Sure, I've just wasted an entire post kicking a mangy cur but anonymous comments, especially anonymous comments from a barely literate meathead, wastes my precious time. Sometimes it's appropriate to slap the ninny silly, knock him conscious, and hope that serves as fair warning for the other anonymous numbnuts aching to post half wit comments. Scant hope, I know, but sometimes hope is all we have.


Miss Cow is a Cow said...

OORAH!!! Excellently said!!!!

Have a great week!!!

~d (tilde) said...

Cowardly troll.
I like that.
I don't like cowardly trolls.
I like what you said.
About them.
Being cowardly trolls.

trusty getto said...

Well, if its you know, then just have wanting so you seem.

I sometime can am able but however you know these things are mysterious to my.


Mamacita said...

Is synonymous
With "Ignoramus."

Sorry, hon, that's as good as it gets when it's this hot outside.

Hey, it's a "near rhyme."

Sort of.

My apologies to your sensibilities.

aka_monty said...

I'm sorry, I had something to say and then forgot because I laughed so hard at Trusty.

Holy hell, I just did it again.

landismom said...

The post is funny.

The comments are funny too.

I'm too hot to think of anything clever, though.

Anne said...

WOOT! Thanks so much for bringing the "then/than" crisis to light.

Honestly, it drives me nearly insane. I freely admit to overuse of commas (or lack thereof) but then/than has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves. Trusty the stalker?

LouLou! said...

Do you know that you are one of the most singularly articulate ranters I have ever encountered in blogdom and I am in awe of your ability to smite the offensive "anonymous" idiot.

You're my blog hero.

Nino the Mindboggler said...

ROTFLMMFAO... Trusty is NOT the stalker or anonymous commenter unless he has been huffing gas, headbutting Fords, and drinking Clorox.

And thank you all for the love, my knuckles were sore after giving the cowardly troll a good going-over and I was afraid it wasn't worth it. Everyone's comments have amounted to a big plate of red meat for me.

Miss Cellania said...

Came over from Monty's site, found this glorioius post, and enjoyed it ever so much. These are the kinds of things I'd like to say, if I had the way with words you do!

And Trusty's comment was so random, it made me giggle, too!

Debi said...

I speak Gud English! YAY!

LOVE The post!

melody said...

Word! You tell 'em!

trusty getto said...

Alas, the stalker is not me. I only headbutt sophisticated cars, such as Lexus and Infiniti.

But I do have a question. Is Lexus more sophisticated then Infiniti, or is Infinit more sophisticated then Lexus?